I can't believe how the time has flown these last (almost) 6 weeks. The healing that is taking place is good. I feel like God has my heart "bubble-wrapped" right now. I have been able to think of Kai and look at his sweet pictures and it brings happiness to my heart. It's still a necessity to pray daily and ask God for strength... Strength to focus on God's plan for my life, strength to focus on eternity and not earthly things, strength to be happy with what we have and not to ponder on what we "lost".
It's been nice to have people talk about our little Kai and what positive impact this situation has had on them. Even though it can bring tears at times, we would so much rather talk about him and remember him, than to just not say anything just in case they hurt our feelings.
God is doing a work in my heart still. I love that He is still right here beside me. I love how He guides and directs my life to where it needs to be, from what book of the bible I am reading through to the people that He puts in our paths, just at the right place and the right time.
Thinking back, it's amazing to see how God has been preparing me for this trial months, if not years ago. About 5 months before we got Kai's diagnosis of T18, one of my friends posted a prayer request on a private FB board. She asked us to pray for her baby girl that she was pregnant with. She had just found out that her baby had a very serious heart condition. The outlook was not good and much medical intervention would need to take place immediately once she was born. My heart absolutely broke for her. I cried as I prayed, I struggled with this so much. I can remember saying to my husband, "I could never go through something like that. It would be just too hard, I am afraid I would just lose my mind." I prayed for her and her precious little girl and the whole time she was going through her trial, she was such an excellent testimony for Christ. As I watched her go through the birth and eventually the death of her daughter, I was amazed that she could keep praising God. It was something that I didn't understand, but it encouraged me to keep moving forward with my personal walk with Christ. I knew that it had to be God giving her this strength but I felt that if I was in that situation, I could never get through it, let alone praise God while going through it.
I can also remember the week we found out that Kai may have some problems. From the point we got the results back from the 1st test until we found out that he definitely had T18, there was about a 3 week waiting period. During those 3 weeks, God spoke to me in every way. In the morning, I was reading in
I sat in sermon after sermon, that spoke directly to me... "Cast all your cares upon God"
After our amnio, which was the final "test", we had a 3 day waiting period before we would receive the results. During the sonogram that took place right before the amnio the doctors saw several red flags for T18. We left the office that day knowing in our hearts that He had it. After soaking it in for about 24 hours and doing a lot of praying, I told Dave that I really felt like we could handle this, we were going to be ok. The one thing that I worried about though, was "how" to tell people? I knew it wasn't going to be a one time thing, it would have to be told and retold over and over again. It seems funny, now that we have been though it, but I just really felt like I wasn't sure "how" to deliver the news to people, time after time. Would there be tears every time? Would we have to tell people in the middle of Walmart? What about strangers that ask about my pregnancy, do we tell them? Are we going to sound depressing when we tell people? Do we sound hopeful or do we tell them how grim the diagnosis is?
I honestly don't know how I would've made it through if my personal relationship with God wasn't as where it needed to be when this all started. The thought of not being prepared is such a scary thought to me. I don't know how anyone can be prepared to say Goodbye to their baby, just shortly after they meet that baby. It's not humanly possible, but it's possible for God to do that preparation!