It's been 3 weeks since Kai left our arms to be with his heavenly father. For the most part, I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I really thought that the days would drag for a while, making me wish I could fast forward time. It hasn't been like that at all and in a way, I feel sad that Kai's birthday is slipping farther away. Sometimes, I worry that I will forget the details of that day or that maybe people will forget to pray for us as time goes on. BUT I know the ONE that will never forget about us, the ONE that promises to be by our side and He knows each and every one of our sorrows. He is the same ONE that created this complex universe (and maintains it!) and the same ONE that saves us from an eternal place called hell. He is mighty, powerful and sovereign, but He is also gentle, loving, forgiving, and capable of doing everything and anything for us! Sometimes I need that reminder that I can cast ALL of my cares on Him! Why do we tend to forget that our God who saved us from eternal damnation is the same God that can take care of our piddly worries of the day!? He can handle it if we just give it to Him!
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.
It's funny how our feelings can be so unpredictable at times. Most of the time, I can't help but smile when I think of beautiful little Kai, which is so very often. I am so grateful for the many prayers that were answered and I feel like I am truly ok with the outcome of our journey, because of course, it was God's perfect plan. But then there are times that I just wanna cry. I want to just sit (and pout) and wish I could cuddle my baby boy up on my chest. I wish he would wake me up in the middle of the night to feed him. I wish I could stare at his perfect little face while I stroke his soft cheek and grit my teeth, because the cuteness is just too much to take in. ( I do that with all my babies, my cheeks are always sore when I have newborns!) I wish that I could dress him up in cute little outfits and take his picture. I wish we had to lug around a bulky car seat and heavy diaper bag as we run our errands and show off our new little baby. I wish I could watch his brothers and sisters fight over who gets to hold him next. I wish, I wish, I wish....
There are times that I need to just cry and "get it out", but it is always short-lived. I feel like God reels me back in. He gently reminds me that I need to dwell on what I DO have, not what I DON'T have. I have a sweet baby in Heaven that waits for me. He is perfectly healthy and in no pain. He was able to escape every evil part of this world. I was blessed with him in the womb for 39 weeks and in our presence for 4 wonderful hours. I have gobs of pictures that help capture those memories forever! I also have a whole bunch of friends and family that took part in that day, whether it was in person or via Facebook, and they can help me relive those moments of love and celebration. I have several letters and messages from friends (and strangers) telling me how God has changed their life, through our precious little boy.
Even amidst the tears, God is still granting me peace. I am so glad that God's peace is different than the world's peace. The world's peace is based on feelings and circumstances. If all is good in life, then there's "peace", but what happens to that peace when conflict arises? What happens when God's plan isn't the same as our plan? The world's peace easily drifts away, leaving us stressed and worried. Only God can give true peace in the middle of our trials. True peace comes from knowing that God is in control and submitting to His will for your life. For me, it's my prayer EVERY day... "Lord, help me remember that YOU are in control. Please make your will known to me and help me be submissive to it."
Philippians 4:6,7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.
I am thankful that these past few weeks have held so many more smiles than I could've ever imagined. We have spent time together as a family, laughing and enjoying being together. The kids love to reflect back on Kai's birthday. They often want to talk about certain things we love about Kai. Just tonight, Nevin said, "I love how Kai's head was so little and round, just like it could fit perfectly in my hand". We've talked about so many things, like his perfect little body, his long typical Harris feet, his frail long fingers and his perfect lips that looked as if they were "drawn on". I am so glad that God granted us enough time to make these memories of him.
Thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers. I know I say it all the time, but we feel so blessed and loved by all of our friends and family!