I can not believe that six months have gone by since I've held my baby boy. Some days, out of the blue, the tears come. I see something that makes me think of Kai and it makes me long to hold his little frail body. Sometimes, from no where, my arms feel empty all of a sudden. I have to go to God's word to pull me out of it at times. Other times, what starts out as a cry, ends up with smiles and thinking back on sweet memories. Emotions can be funny things... all over the place - up, down, sideways, you name it! But my God is the SAME, always! He has been there to give me strength every day! It was around this time last year, that my complete dependence on God began. It was the first time in my life that I realized I was ENTIRELY dependent on Him. That has not changed. Not only with our situation with Kai, but with everyday life, I NEED him. When I am willing to admit that, my life runs so much smoother. I am a stubborn one, so I believe it was some relief to God that I finally have figured that out after all these years!
God is still doing an amazing work through Kai. That little guy has changed me forever and I pray that God continues to change me through him. It's a comforting thought that someone so tiny had such a HUGE positive impact on our lives.
We decided early on that we were not going to do the "what if's" or "would've been's" with Kai. At Easter, we didn't say "just think, this would've been Kai's first Easter". On vacation, we didn't mumble "what if Kai didn't pass away? He could've been here with us". It was never God's plan for Kai to live beyond those 4 hours and 33 minutes. God created Kai to be exactly who he was for the exact time that he was here. Kai was never meant to spend his first Easter on this earth, so why would we mourn that? I am definitely not saying anything is wrong with doing the "what if's", I am just simply saying it is not right for our family in this situation. It has truly helped with the healing process. We want to feel like Kai added to our life, not took away from it!
We do choose however to keep his sweet little picture up throughout our house and to talk about his perfect life every chance we get. Every time I walk by his picture or it pops up on my computer, it makes me smile so big. (Didn't he have the cutest little face!?!?)
We visit his grave every now and then, but honestly, I don't feel a connection to him there. My connection with Kai takes place every morning when I talk to God. I know it sounds corny, but I feel so close to Kai during that time. Not a day has gone by that I do not thank God for Kai and the work that he has done through him, in me and in others.
We still have people approach us every now and then when we are out and about. It is a blessing! Complete strangers have come up to us at the store saying, "You don't know me, but I followed your story about your little baby and it had such an impact on my life.". And then some people say "You are awesome for the way you handled that situation!". Those words just make me cringe though, because the truth is, I am not at all awesome. I am a weak, completely imperfect human that messes up daily, but I have a God who is awesome! He uses my weakness to show His amazing power! (2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...") Who would've thought that God could bring such good out of a tragedy that I wouldn't wish on anybody? Yet in the end, I wouldn't have traded it in for the world. The thought of NOT having Kai in my life, even if it was for just a short time, saddens me. God knew what was best. I didn't. I never would've chosen this for our family, but I am glad He did.
I hope that I can be better about blogging now. I had this silly thought that once summer hit, I would have "extra" time to sit down and write! Ha! We've had lots of excitement and great stuff happening in our family and I hope to add it to the blog soon! =)